You know what rules? It rules when you get turned on to a band that totally kicks your ass, melts your face, makes you throw horns, and anticipate getting the opportunity to see them live. You know what sucks massively? When said band totally disappears off the face of the Earth leaving their fans, their PR person, and even their record label scratching their heads and asking the same question: “Where the fuck is Christian Mistress?”
Some of you reading this may find yourselves not so much saying “Where the fuck” but “Who the fuck is Christian Mistress?” Well, if you are a regular reader of this blog and are a fan of the Brainfart Facebook page (www.facebook.com/thegreatsouthernbrainfart), you should know who this band is because of me talking about them more than just a little bit. If you don’t know anything about them, before going much further, edumacate yourself by listening to a couple of tracks below.
Now that you’ve been educated on just how badass Christian Mistress is, now we can learn a little bit about them. Christian Mistress is a classic metal band in the true sense of the term. Listening to Christian Mistress transports you back to a time where there was no such thing as auto tune, no slick sounding production, and to a time where metal bands like this were making music in dark, musty underground pubs across Europe. While they sound like a great vintage, classic NWOBHM band, Christian Mistress was actually formed in 2007 in Olympia, Washington. Consisting of Christine Davis: vocals, Oscar Sparbel: guitar, Ryan McClain: guitar, Johnny Wulf: bass, and Reuben Storey: drums, Christian Mistress released their debut album Agony & Opium in 2010. The band played and toured relentlessly and then hit their mark with their 2012 full length debut album Possession which received some much deserved praise from critics and metal fans alike.
Christian Mistress is the complete package and as a fan of metal music for over 25 years, they really made quite an impact on me. They are a great band with some serious talent and not only can they play the hell out of their instruments, they can really put together some really amazing songs. Lead vocalist/lyricist Christine Davis has a way of dipping her toes into the dark waters of mysticism and the occult but doing so without making you roll your eyes. Listening to her sing these songs totally has me believing that she sweats molten lava and has the ability to turn you into a fucking frog to forever hop around in the swamp for all eternity. Metal bands, if you steal that last line for a song I will sue your ass. Anyways, Christian Mistress made me a huge fan from the first listen. Songs like “Haunted Hunted”, “Black to Gold”, and “Riding on the Edges” reminded me that in these times of over production, over indulgent playing, slick perfection that there is a forgotten magic of being raw and a little rough around the edges.
Just after the release of Possession, Christian Mistress took off to Europe to play a series of festivals and smaller headlining shows. The reports from these shows were nothing short of stellar. I watched the YouTube clips and I read the reviews as I patiently awaited one of my new favorite bands to return to the States so that I might get to see them live. I waited… and I waited… and I waited some more and nothing. No Christian Mistress. I checked their Facebook page, and there was no new news from the band. I even went as far as to email their PR person who tells me that he has no clue where they are. I talked to my buddies in Gypsyhawk who actually know the band and even they had nothing more than, “I heard that they broke up.” This all leads to the $1,000,000.00 question: WHERE THE FUCK IS CHRISTIAN MISTRESS?
Were they abducted by UFO aliens? Were they kidnapped by a horde of Europeans and forced to join a dulcimer orchestra? Was the pressure of touring and kicking ass just too much for them to handle? For now, we just don’t know. We may never know just what happened to Christian Mistress. Regardless of the outcome, Christian Mistress left behind a legacy of two absolutely amazing albums. They did with just two albums what many, if not most, bands strive for an entire career to achieve. Christian Mistress came, they kicked ass, and they disappeared. I hope that someone in the band or close to the band will see this and know that this little band from Olympia, Washington made quite an impact on this long time fan of heavy metal music.