My sister-in-law is one of my favorite people. She’s really funny and she’s really fun to drink and gamble with. She also listens to some of the most craptastic music you could ever imagine. I love her to death but c’mon. John Mayer? Really? Pshaw. When I was working on another Metal For My Wife challenge, Mrs. Brainfart says, “Hey. You should do a Metal For My Sister-In-Law.” Mrs. Brainfart is so smart. I knew that this was going to be a fun challenge so I got to work right away on it.
On a recent trip out to California to visit my sister-in-law and her family, we took a night to just hang out, drink some, and sit down over some choice heavy metal music for this challenge. Just as we were about to get started, my nephew thought it would be fun to sit in which added to the overall awesomeness of this challenge. This challenge was a lot fun. I hope you all enjoy it and remember to go easy on her regarding some of her answers. This is a woman who listens to Maroon 5 ok? Give her a break.
The Great Southern Brainfart here and I’m here in California with my sister-in-law who has accepted this challenge which we will call “Metal for My Sister-In-Law.” Are you ready for this challenge?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I am ready.
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Before we get started, I want to ask you a question. What do you think of when you hear the term “heavy metal?”
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Don’t like it! I don’t like it! It’s not my first choice.
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And why is that?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I find it loud and not my cup of tea.
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Did you ever listen to metal as a kid or anything?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Never have.
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Have you ever been to a heavy metal concert before?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Never. Does John Mayer count? [laughs]
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I didn’t ask if you’d ever been to a sucky concert. A metal concert. They’re two different things.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] Never.
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Ok, here’s the deal sis. I picked 8 songs from various metal bands. I’m going to tell you the name of the band and the song and I want you tell me your thoughts on it. Now I didn’t pick anything like Death Metal or shit like that because I hate that crap.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] So you’re not going to trip me up with something that is awful?
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No. Now you might think it’s awful but I might think it’s awesome.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] Ok.
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Do you have any preconceived ideas of what you’re about to hear?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] No. I will be good and not have any preconceived notions about how sucky this might be.
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Did your sister give you any forewarning about what you might be hearing?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] No, my sister did not warn me at all.
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Ok, let’s get started then…
METAL FOR MY SISTER-IN-LAW (and nephew)
Brave – Escape
Based on the band name and song title, what are your expectations?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] That sounds a little new agey to me. Maybe even kind of like a Disney movie? There’s a Disney movie called Brave [laughs].
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Wow. I liked that.
What did you like about the song?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] The lyrics were pretty, her voice was pretty, the music was pretty, and it wasn’t overly loud.
What did you not like?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] It sounded a little like Muse who I don’t really love.
Would you listen to more music by this act?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Possibly to see if more of their music sounded like that. You know how most bands have that one random song that you might like and then the rest you might hate? If they had more songs that were like that one I might listen to it.
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Queensryche – Take Hold of the Flame
Based on the band name and song title, what are your expectations?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Oh, I’ve heard of Queensryche. I’m going to guess it’s about smoking.
It’s about smoking?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] Yes, it’s about smoking.
Ok then. Here we go [pours shots of alcohol]
[Brainfart’s Nephew] This song sucks dude.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] Ok. This is like, Bohemian Rhapsody where it like, starts slow and builds right? That is exactly what that song reminded me of. Ok, I like Queen but this song was a shitty ass song. Just sayin’ [laughs]. It also sounded like a Church hymn or something
What did you like about the song?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Nothing. Nothing at all.
What did you not like?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I liked it when it was turned off.
Would you listen to more music by this act?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] That would be a no. Pass. Next!
[Brainfart’s Nephew] What were they called again?
[Brainfart’s Sister-In-Law] Queensryche. Let me write that down and remember to never listen to them again.
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Graveyard – As The Years Pass By, The Hours Bend
Based on the band name and song title, what are your expectations?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Oh. Graveyard. It sounds like when you’ve been drinking? I’m going to guess that they have a morbid fascination with death? Maybe metaphors? Maybe a simile? I don’t know.
That’s a lot of big words. They’re going to think I spelled “smile” wrong.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] You can edit it then. [takes a drink] Oo! The vodka goes right to the top!
[Brainfart’s Nephew] This kicks ass.
[Brainfart’s Sister-In-Law] They kind of sound like The Doors. Do these songs always have a longer introduction than most songs? It seems like they all have this longer lead in before the singing actually starts.
[Brainfart’s Nephew] Yeah mom, but you listen to Maroon 5 and John Mayer. There’s a big difference.
What did you like about the song?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] That was not bad at all. It sounded a little more like rock than heavy metal to me. Like that guy we heard on the radio today, Ed Sheerhan, who you said you didn’t like. It was sad like that guy, but they don’t sing it in a whiney voice [laughs]. It was a little sad sounding.
What did you not like?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] It was little too long in the beginning. I was waiting for it to really start. It was a slow start.
Would you listen to more music by this act?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I love the Doors. I think it was the first CD I ever bought. It did sound a lot like The Doors and I liked it. I would listen to more of them.
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Christian Mistress – Black to Gold
Based on the band name and song title, what are your expectations?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] It sounds like “Sister Christian” which is possible the worst band ever. Wait, that’s not even band. It’s a song. Who sang that song?
Night Ranger
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Ugh. Awful. Ok. Christian Mistress. Hm. Don’t know. I’m going to keep an open mind as long as it’s not like Night Ranger.
[Brainfart’s Nephew] That song is killer! I liked that one. That was good.
[Brainfart’s Sister-In-Law] I’m surprised that there’s been two female lead singers in your choices already. I wouldn’t think that that heavy metal would have female lead singers. That was good. It kind of reminded me a little of Joan Jett’s voice, but I had a hard time following the lyrics. It had really good background music, it was upbeat, and you could dance to it.
What did you like about the song?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I liked that it was a girl singing. I like female lead singers generally.
[Brainfart’s Nephew] I thought it was very inspirational!
[Brainfart’s Sister-In-Law] What did it inspire you to do?
[Brainfart’s Nephew] Women’s rights!
What did you not like?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I think she had a good voice, but I didn’t like that I couldn’t hear the lyrics.
Would you listen to more music by this act?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I would probably listen to more of them. That was good.
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Iron Maiden – Revelations
Based on the band name and song title, what are your expectations?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Iron Maiden. They are like the heaviest of the heavy right? I feel like this is probably going to be more traditional heavy metal than what we’ve listened to so far. They’re also one of your favorites I know so I’ll be careful for what I say.
[Brainfart’s Nephew] Yeah, be careful mom. Don’t diss them too hard.
[Brainfart’s Nephew] He sounds like a weasel being stepped on. Why is he screaming?
[Brainfart’s Sister-In-Law] Turn this off! That sounded really whiney to me. Like, not the lyrics necessarily, but his voice. The tone to his voice. Was that not whiney to you?
No. That was awesome to me.
[Brainfart’s Sister-In-Law] [laughs] I feel like if I had to sit through that concert I would come away from it with a massive fucking headache. Pounding head, pounding ears.
[Brainfart’s Nephew] Like when a dolphin yells in your ears. “EHHHHHHHHHH” [makes dolphin noise that totally hurt my ears].
What did you like about the song?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Nothing. I did not like that at all.
What did you not like?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] That, to me, is stereotypical heavy metal music right there. Screachy, pounding, hell in my ears.
Would you listen to more music by this act?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Only if I had to of if I was being paid to.
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Black Sabbath – The Sign of the Southern Cross
Based on the band name and song title, what are your expectations?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Black Sabbath. They’re one of the big bands I know. Hm, I don’t think it’s a religious thing. Maybe it’s a southern thing? Are they a southern band?
No. They’re from England.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] Then I have no clue. I’m out.
[Brainfart’s Nephew] THERE IT IS! Rock on bitches! It sounds like they wrote this when they were high.
[Brainfart’s Sister-In-Law] That sounded like a Broadway version of a heavy metal band. Like in the beginning where they’re singing really soft and then it kicks in.
What did you like about the song?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] It was very operatic. I could see this in concert when it kicks in, the flames and pyrotechnics go off behind them. Smoke billowing about their feet. I can totally see it. I didn’t like it but I can see it.
What did you not like?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I can see the stage value of this but I really didn’t like it.
Would you listen to more music by this act?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] If someone gave me tickets, I might to see this in concert, but I would never listen to it on the stereo or anything.
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Gypsyhawk – The Hedgeking
Based on the band name and song title, what are your expectations?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Gypsyhawk. That sounds a little hipsterish. “Hedgehog”? Is that the song title?
No. It’s called “Hedgeking.” Hedgehog is Ron Jeremy.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] Hedgehog is Ron Jeremy?
Yes it is.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Ew. Why do they call him that?
Look it up on Google.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I am not going to Google Ron Jeremy. Well, when we’re done I’ll Google it, but I’m staying away from Google Images. Ok, play “Hedgeking.”
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [singing] “You may call me the Hedgehog!” Did he say, “I am your lamb?” I did not like that one at all. Why was that about Hedgekings? What is that?
It’s a Game of Thrones thing.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Oh. I did not get the tie end. I did not care for that one at all.
These guys are good friends of mine. They’re going to be like, “Dude, your sister-in-law sucks bro.”
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] Ok, he sounds like a nice guy. I’m sure he’s a really nice guy just don’t tell him where I live.
Would you listen to more music by this act?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] No. Next please and quickly if possible [laughs].
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Metallica – Hit The Lights
Based on the band name and song title, what are your expectations?
[Brainfart’s Sister-In-Law] Sorry. I’m reading about Ron Jeremy. This is the most disturbing shit I’ve ever read.
Did you read why they call him The Hedgehog?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] [laughs] I’m trying to forget. Ok. Metallica. Obviously Metallica would be stereotypical heavy metal. Loud, headache inducing, and possibly not great.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Ok. Don likes this one… A LOT [laughs]
What did you think of the song?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Standby for long ass intro. Every one of these songs has a long ass intro. Every time I hear a song I get a picture in my head. I just picture you with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand throwing shit against the wall. [laughs] What I saw in my mind was just a crazy mosh pit, people hitting each other, pushing, spitting, bleeding, bodily fluids everywhere. Just nastiness.
What did you like about the song?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] I did not like that at all. It was terrible. You know what I did like? You dancing to it [laughs]. That was my favorite part of the song. Seeing your reaction.
Would you listen to more music by this act?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Absolutely not. That was probably my least favorite of all of them.
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Ok, so we’re done now. You’ve listened to 8 heavy metal songs and I have to ask what are your closing thoughts on heavy metal music?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] My closing thoughts on heavy metal music is that the bands like Metallica, Black Sabbath, and Iron Maiden were all pretty much what I thought it was going to be. They all kind of followed the same formula of a long ass build up, like something kind of theatrical. I feel like I could see them in concert more than listening to them on the radio. The first couple of songs like Brave and Graveyard were really good but the later ones were pretty much what I thought they were going to be.
Would you listen to more heavy metal after this challenge?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Who was the first band you played?
Brave was the first band.
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] Brave? I liked them and I would listen to them for sure. I wouldn’t listen to the Hedgehog band. The ones that were the more traditional heavy metal bands like Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden I probably wouldn’t listen to. The ones that were more like a blend of rock and metal like Graveyard was good.
So was this Metal For My Sister-In-Law a good experience?
[Brainfart’s Sister-in-Law] This was a positive experience for me. It was not terrible.
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