blacksabbath2013 Last week, Black Sabbath (sans Bill Ward) announced the first handful of North American tour dates behind their upcoming album “13″. In addition to having some of most mindblowing, facemelting artwork you will EVER see for an album cover [CLICK HERE TO SEE IT], I’m sure the “13″ will feature some really special guests such as autotune, cut, and paste. I’m also sure that Ozzy strolled into the studio, hummed a few lines and got full writing credit for every song on the album.

As we all know, Black Sabbath announced that Bill Ward was totally invited to the party but instead of cake was offered a piece of wheat bread and a glass of water. Bill decided not to attend the party since they wouldn’t play nice and instead Sabbath has recruited that grooveless drummer dude from Rage Against The Machine. I can’t help but wonder if at any point during rehearsals that dude got asked to play something different to which he replied, “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me.”

So why get, of all people, THIS guy? I mean, when I think of Black Sabbath I think of swing, groove, and feel; none of which this guy seems to have. So being in the awesome frame of mine I was in, I decided to construct my list of people that should’ve have been considered to replace Bill Ward in Black Sabbath.

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Crazy Wedding Drummer Dude

 

Crazy Wedding Drummer Dude. How could you NOT want to see this guy playing in Black Sabbath? He would be the perfect match for that big ass Muppet that they have bumbling around the stage and “singing” those songs. Just suit the guy up in black, put him on a big ass drum riser and let him totally fucking rule shit. I’d be curious to see how he would handle playing the song “Black Sabbath.”

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Hot Chick YouTube Drummer Meytal Cohen

 

So if Crazy Wedding Drummer won’t cut it, then give us something to look at in addition to getting a kick ass drummer. YouTube drumming sensation Meytal Cohen is very easy on the eyes in addition to being an amazing drummer. Her YouTube channel has clips of her performing songs by such acts as Rush, System of a Down, and Judas Priest. The girl has some serious chops and I think she would kick ass in Black Sabbath. Just put her on stage front and center and move the old dudes to the back. Meytal would look awesome decked in head to toe leather and I think she would be an awesome addition to the Black Sabbath lineup.

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Graveyard Drummer Axel Sjöberg

 

If these old dudes and Mr. Sharon Osbourne were in touch at all with music, they would know that Graveyard drummer Axel Sjöberg would have been the next perfect choice to replace Bill Ward. I bet if the remaining old dudes in Black Sabbath took one look at Axel Sjöberg they would freak out and like go into some serious LSD flashbacks. I mean, this could be a good thing. Imagine this: Black Sabbath is in a room just hanging out eating tea and crumpets and in walks THIS GUY. The band just looks at him in disbelief as they think they are seeing Bill Ward circa 1970. They then proceed to jam, find this kick ass groove and start churning out new material that very well could have been a lost album between Paranoid and Master of Reality. Then they hit the road and instead of playing arenas book themselves into these cavernous theater type venues and just slay everyone’s faces. Oh, I just woke up from this kick ass dream? Sorry about that. Oh well. It would be pretty fucking awesome though wouldn’t it?

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Vinny Appice

 

Ok, let’s get serious about this. If you’re going to just flat out replace Bill Ward, why the fuck wouldn’t you just go with the very dude that actually replaced Bill Ward back in the fucking day? Ask just about any Sabbath fan and Vinny’s the first guy that they all say when they talk about an appropriate and suitable replacement for Bill Ward. When Sabbath canned Ozzy because he was such a waste of fucking space and got the almighty Ronnie James Dio, Ward hung on to do the Heaven and Hell album and then bailed. Enter Vinny Appice. Vinny was a huge, driving force behind Black Sabbath all through the Dio years and maybe it’s because of his involvement with Dio that Mr. Sharon Osbourne opted to not use her quarter to call Vinny.

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Bill Ward

 

Replace Bill Ward? C’mon. Who can truly replace the master himself? So what if he’s old, kinda feeble, and could very well have a hard attack midway through “Into the Void.” You billed this as a “reunion” tour/album. It’s hardly a “reunion” when you’re only including 3/4 of the original band. Bill is the guy that pretty much set the foundation for that kind of drumming that we would eventually hear all throughout heavy metal music. I’ve always been a fan of Bill’s drumming and the guy totally plays from the heart. In my opinion, there is no replacing Bill Ward no matter who you think can play better, harder, or longer. It’s Bill fucking Ward man. C’mon. Without Bill, it’s not a reunion. It’s just Black Scabbath.

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It’s things like that have totally made me lose all respect for what is left of any sort of Black Sabbath. I would even go as fart to say that this kind of ridiculousness just puts a big ol’ shit smudge on the Black Sabbath legacy. The original Black Sabbath was Bill, Geezer, Tony, and Ozzy, not Geezer, Tony, Ozzy, and some dude playing drums. I think it’s a real bummer. I’m glad I got to see them when they really did reunite. They should have just let it go back then and called it a day. My buddy Jammin’ Jaymz and I discussed this one day and he reminded me that we just may never know what is going on in those guys heads. We very well may never know the truth as to who the bad guys were or who the good guys were. All I can say is that from my perspective, this just shouldn’t happen. If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.

About The Author

The Brainfart

Don (aka. The Brainfart) has been a heavy metal fan since hearing it for the first time in 1983. Don is also repsonsible for all of the typos, shitty grammar, and kick ass content on this site. Don likes cheap beer, whiskey, Coca Cola Icees, going to shows, and hanging with his kick ass wife, two cats (Drusilla & Coltrane) and dog (Cassie). He originally wanted to name his dog Shandi but his wife said, "No fucking way."