It’s been years since the art medium of the music video has since faded into obscurity. It’s crazy to think that there are is an entire generation (and maybe even two?) that can only imagine what it was like to turn on MTV and see 90% music videos and only 10% of show programming. Anyways, as a child teen in the 80’s and early 90’s I remember it like it was yesterday. I also remember a time where hard rock and metal music were so at the forefront that not only did we get the Headbanger’s Ball for two hours every Saturday night but we also got the the Hard 60 which was 60 minutes of hard rock/metal videos every week day evening. It was a good time to be a heavy metal fan!
Music videos are like a time capsule for a lot of these bands. A moment in their career captured, tucked away for years, and then unearthed by fans thanks to video channels like YouTube and Vimeo. In some cases, these bands nailed it and made some pretty spectacular videos. In other cases, as you’ll see below, the bands produced videos that today they probably wish they could burn and rid themselves of forever. Whittling down this list to a mere ten was damn near impossible but with the help of my brother Jaymz we managed to pick a few cringe worth moments. From the buxomy space goddess turning band members to stone to a midget in camouflage riding on a wrecking ball, it’s all covered for you on “LOLOMG” moments! Enjoy!
Queensryche – Queen of the Ryche
Queensryche + Star Trek = absolute disaster! A huge breasted amazon space goddess turning the entire band to stone? What could possibly suck about this video? Well… EVERYTHING! Amazing song, horribly awesome video!
Dream Theater – Take the Time
I’m still trying to figure out just what fuck is going on in this video. We get it Dream Theater. You guys are a smart bunch of lads and all that and probably appreciate fine art and shit like that but this video is such an eye sore. The clothes, the poses, James LaBrie’s sexy hair flip, the shit poor musical editing to shorten this long ass song. I wonder sometimes if the Jordan Rudess ever watches this video and laughs and says, “Man, I’m so glad I wasn’t in the band at this point!”
Judas Priest – Hot Rockin’
When Rob Halford came out of the closet back in 1998, it was one of those things that for a split second everyone was shocked and then all of the sudden said, “Hm, yeah. I can see that.” I mean this is NO disrespect to Rob or the homosexual community as I am very much for equal rights for all. I just remember that when Rob did come out, THIS was the first thing that flashed in my mind. I mean, who thought this idea was a good idea? I don’t even mean that from a “gay” standpoint but the fact that this video just flat out sucks. Oh well! Priest still rules.
Megadeth – Sweating Bullets
Can you think of anything more frightening that a hundred Dave Mustaines? Point made.
Krokus – Screaming in the Night
Ahhh, Krokus. One of the LEAST cool looking metal bands but one of the most kick ass ones from back in the day. This song is without a doubt one of my all time favorite songs but man, these guys needed to avoid cameras at all costs. I’m still not quite sure what’s going on here. It’s like this post-apocalyptic world, maybe Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome kinda thing? I mean, it’s one of those things that’s worth watching once just for the laugh but after that, just pull up another browser window and let the song play since it kicks ass.
Dokken – Dream Warriors
Dokken meets Freddie Krueger? Yeah, that’s what’s up with this video. It’s so beyond lame and funny but in some ways, I have a feeling that the band was totally in on this one and knew just how kitschy it would be. I mean, a young Patricia Arquette lookin’ all kinda cute with her perky boobs does kinda make it slightly worth it but not so much. Even the song itself is pretty fucking lame. “Don’t wanna dream no more?” So does that mean you wanna dream all the time Don Dokken. Looks like Mr. Dokken might know about rokken but not much about double negatives.
Manowar – Gloves of Steel
If you weren’t either laughing your ass off or cringing at just the sight of the name MANOWAR than boy do you have a great treat! This video. Oh brother. Manowar riding around in their loincloths on horses mixed with performance footage of them in their oiled bodies wearing faux fur and proclaiming their love and power of metal. Man, at 5:44, this video runs about 5:40 too long.
Grim Reaper – Rock You to Hell
File these guys under “Ugly Fucking Bands Who Kick Ass But Should Never Make Videos” along with Krokus. I fucking love Grim Reaper but man, this is a great example of how I feel that back in the day videos did more harm than good for some bands. Lets get a prison full of hot chicks and headbangers and fucking play a gig in the common area of the prison. Hmm, not sure about that guys. Steve Grimmett is a kick ass vocalist but man, those hair extensions. Really dude? Not even those could make you look cool. This song kicks fucking ass but this video… man, no wonder Beavis and Butthead tore these guys to shreds.
Immortal – Call of the Winter Moon
Imagine this group of goth kids painting their faces and then putting on witch hats and capes that they bought from Party City. They steal their parent’s VHS camcorder, they go out into the woods, and film themselves playing hide n’ seek. This band just flat out sucks but if anything, skip forward to the 2:40 mark for a real LOL moment!
Accept – Balls to the Wall
Man, let’s all line up and bang our heads into a big ass wall while this little midget dude rides on a giant wrecking ball! haha. Ok, it might not be quite as bad as the others but this video is beyond hilarious. Udo Dirkschneider is one hell of a fucking metal vocalist but goddamn he’s hilarious to look at. When I was a kid, I heard him first and when I saw what he looked liked I laughed so hard. It’s kinda like finding out the Great and Powerful Oz was just some scrawny old creep. Great song, horrible video!