Ten Reasons You’ll Give Me To Hate Your Band The Brainfart November 20, 2013 Music Editorial 97 Comments Call me a hater. Call me an old fuck. Call me whatever the hell you want but ya know what? It’s my website and I can hate what I want to. When it comes to not liking a band, I’ve pretty much come to realize that there are certain criteria points that bands meet that pretty much have me saying, “There’s a 97% chance I’m going to hate this band.” Now don’t get all up in arms here because as you know, at the end of the day I never blow a band off without hearing their music first. There have been exceptions to the rule where a band might meet one or two of these key points but manage to make me a fan by having good songs but even those are few and far between. Here are 10 Reasons You’ll Give Me To Hate Your Band listed in no particular order. I’m sure there’s more but here are 10. 1. I can’t read your band’s logo Ok folks, here’s a biggie that is almost always, hell, let’s just say ALWAYS is referring to Death Metal bands. How am I even going to like your band if I can’t even read your logo. Logos like this might as well be this (stack of sticks). If you’re a band with an unreadable logo, it’s probably a 75% chance that you’re music will be equally unlistenable and I feel that 75% is generous to be honest. ================================================== 2. You have the word “core” in your band’s genre description. Deathcore, grindcore, horrorcore, post-hardcore, pre-hardcore, how about you just call it SHITCORE. Seriously, I can honestly say that there is NO band out there that I like that even has the world “core” in their genre description. Tagging core onto genre name is just so fucking Hot Topic to me. There’s probably a damn good chance that if you have the word “core” in your genre name (settle down HARDCORE people), your “core” audience is probably an average age of 15 years old. I’m sure you’re music is also equally as lame as your cute little hairdos, heartagram tattoos, and body modifications. ================================================== 3. The Description of your Music Sounds Ridiculously Painful If you’re band’s music is described as things such as “an early morning napalm strike” or “… like being kicked upside the head by steal toe boots and then having it stomped on repeatedly” that I can gurantee you that I’m going fucking hate your band. Why would I want to listen to anything that sounds that fucking painful. Matter of fact, after hearing some of these fucking bands, I’d probably rather sit through an early morning napalm strike or even have my head kicked and stomped upon repeatedly. ================================================== 4. You List The Bands You’ve Shared The Stage With I couldn’t give a rat’s ass that you played with Slipknot once. I couldn’t care less if you played with King Diamond and the fact that you were the first band on the 3rd smallest stage on the same festival isn’t the same thing as “sharing the stage with…”. Name dropping doesn’t get you any further on my site than just being a big ass nobody does. Trust me. If you have to name drop to try and validate who you are and what you do that you probably suck really fucking bad. Seriously, Lauren Harris opened for Iron Maiden and I fucking hate her. See what I’m talking about here? Just don’t do it! ================================================== 5. Someone in your band has a fauxhawk I don’t think I have to say much more about this. If someone in your band has a fauxhawk, you are just as much to blame for allowing said person to even be a part of your band. Almost 99.9% of the time, fauxhawk = douchebag. Just saying. This is a known thing by the way. I didn’t make this shit up! ================================================== 6. Metal Sucks Loves You Metal Sucks quickly went from being one of my favorite websites to being a website that I wish I could put a gagball over and shut them up. This site loves the crappiest of the crappy bands so guess what? If they fucking love you and goo all over your band, I’m probably going to think you are as lame as Metal Sucks. ================================================== 7. You’re signed to Victory Records A Day to Remember, Blackguard, Emmure, Ill Nino. Yeah, I know. I don’t have to say much more do I? For some reason this label signs every shitcore band known to humanity. Aside from Sister Sin (who I love) and Reverend Horton Heat (who I don’t like but he’s not emo), this roster (look here: http://www.victoryrecords.com/artists) pretty much is a bunch of date rape lame ass emo shitcore music. So if it says Victory Records, be cautious… VERY CAUTIOUS. ================================================== 8. Your press release brags about how many “Likes” your FB page has and how many hits your YouTube video got. Jeremy and Crying Cummers got 2.5 zillion views on YouTube and they have over 10,000,000 likes on Facebook. Oh man. Sign me up. This band must be amazing. Nope, that is NOTHING I would ever say. If you are using “hits” and “likes” as a way to try and get people to listen to your band, STOP IT NOW! Nothing makes you look more ridiculously desperate. Besides, if I have to “like” you on FB to hear your song, if you suck I’m going to “unlike” you just as fast and then spread the word that you’re a shit band. ================================================== 9. You list classic metal influences such as Korn, Slipknot, and Disturbed If your band lists bands like the above mentioned as “classic” or “classic metal” you can bet your ass that you will not get a listen from me. You can also bet your ass that you don’t know a goddamn shit speck about metal music at all and you really need to start doing some homework. Any band who lists hackbands like these as “main influence” will be an influence on me to not even give your band a single listen. ================================================== 10. You’ve done an “ironic” cover of some shit pop song. I don’t care if you did a quirky Lady Gaga song, an obscure Prince song, or that you did an extreme emo grind core cover of some shit Miley Cyrus song. If you do stupid shit like that you’re going to get a big ass eye roll out of me and you will probably ruin any chance of me even trying to take your band seriously or even listen to any of your other stuff. Like this:Like Loading... Nathan DC says: December 3, 2013 at 6:26 pm you forgot the # 1 reason to hate a band… EGO! if your an unsigned band and have an ego that would make Axle Rose look humble, there is a 100% chance ill hate your band, and you. You haven’t earned the right to have an ego and be a douche bag. Stanley David says: December 1, 2013 at 2:41 pm Metalheads stop this stupid n lameass comparison of diff metal grene!! Grow up!! Rafael Dalton says: November 30, 2013 at 12:26 am Terrorcore from the 7th dimention of hate! Danger Dan says: November 29, 2013 at 4:26 pm Fucking great! Shannon Guillot says: November 29, 2013 at 11:11 am Agreed*** Shannon Guillot says: November 29, 2013 at 11:11 am After with everything on here except the fact you listed Ill Nino. Those guys are pretty damn awesome, on CD and live. Other than that, it’s spot on. Scarey Pete says: November 29, 2013 at 9:41 am The Only Acceptable “Core” Jizzcore. Because Caustic is srs bsns Jay Clair says: November 29, 2013 at 2:56 am Lol I agree with him on most of it also… the use of a top 10 is just generic. Those who critique should enjoy feedback. Mark Bryant Patterson says: November 29, 2013 at 2:26 am That is great!!!!! Daniel TheRaven says: November 28, 2013 at 7:26 pm Obviously this guy doesn’t know what Grindcore is, or how long it’s been around for. So anything about it really… Jay Clair says: November 28, 2013 at 6:56 pm One reason i hate shitty blogs … Top 10 lists. Its as generic as anything can get. Good job sir. Nicholas Reardon says: November 28, 2013 at 12:56 pm You should have left your ego at home before you wrote this article. Mika Kenyah says: November 28, 2013 at 10:41 am I would like to add I equally dislike the audience that attend these bands you des robed. Everyone stands around…too cool to move or too jaded to act interested in anything other the scene of it all. Mika Kenyah says: November 28, 2013 at 10:41 am I would like to add I equally dislike the audience that attend these bands you des robed. Everyone stands around…too cool to move or too jaded to act interested in anything other the scene of it all. Benjamin King says: November 28, 2013 at 12:26 am To summarize: “I AM SRS METAL JOURNALIST U GUISE.” I have written for a few blogs and newspapers as well, and while I definitely hate when bands put who they’ve opened for and how many YouTube hits they have in a press kit, I would never not give someone a listen because of what label they were signed to or whether or not they’ve done a cover or what other media outlets have given them attention. I guess mostly because I’m not in high school and I’m an adult that understands music is subjective and different people like different things for different reasons, but I’m sure there are other reasons. Mossy Ross says: November 27, 2013 at 11:11 pm Awesome! My surefire sign I’m gonna hate your band is if its name is an ironic rhyme. Like “Dandy Warhols,” or “Cerebral Ballzy” or “Hoodie Allen” or “Harmonica Lewniskys.” Makes. Me. Sick. Lynxx Hrtz says: November 27, 2013 at 5:26 pm Sounds like you got thrown out of one of these bands. Walk it off, you’ll be ok. Insectavora Angelica says: November 27, 2013 at 5:26 pm This article is so funny but what I find most entertaining are the people who commented to defend their crappy band/friend’s crappy band/favorite crappy band because they’re guilty of one or more criteria…. Hahaha Bryant Lohse says: November 27, 2013 at 4:26 pm Oh you forgot stupid album names. Like “Tears on Tape”. Chris Schick says: November 27, 2013 at 3:11 pm The picture of the Stack of Sticks makes me laugh every time I think of it. It’s so true. Number 2 is a good one too. ThisCore, ThatCore, TheOtherCore…the word CORE is thrown around so much, it’s lost its zing. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. Bands want so desperately to brand themselves as the creators of a new sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-genre. Guys, your music isn’t all that revolutionary. Just call it hard rock and leave it at that. 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, and 9 are dead on. *cheers* The only one I truly don’t side with is number 10. I’ve always liked when a band stops taking themselves so seriously and records a cover tune for fun. BUT, it should be a deep cut on a record and not a ready-made single. Dan D-min Del Dotto says: November 25, 2013 at 6:41 pm Im a huge sabbath fan and old school metal fan tho born in 87 but korn and slipknot are influences on my playing both guitar and bass so does that make me less of a metal head? Thought processes like urs is prolly y theres shit bands out today cause of ur uber picky reasons to not like a band makes for just a complete rip off of the classic band and since ull sound exactly like an established band from the 80′s no ones gonna listen to ur band when they can lets say listen to any slayer or metallica album so ur basically holding ur band back xause u cant grow from what else is out there Fred Willis says: November 25, 2013 at 4:41 pm Fucking hell someones upset, do you realise how much of a baby you look Jamie Booth says: November 25, 2013 at 8:56 am I understand #10 unless it’s this guy. He gets a pass. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWJ9YaTmoyg David Sundberg says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Gotto share! Awesomeness Greg Rohs says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Lol Christopher Sayegh says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Lol best shit ever Matt Barron says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am A Day to Remember is not shit music. Matt Witherington says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Dick head :/ Eric M Chioffe says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am I happen to like victory records. Greg Merritt says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Ironic cover. That should be a song tittle. Shyte Window says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Laibach is the only band that does covers right. Slayer Gilmartin says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Awesome you nailed it on the head!!! Defadrian Martin says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Want a fucking cookie? Pistol Whipping A Blind Kid says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am check us out we do everything this list has Jonathan Thompson says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am YES YES! I keep bitching about kids and the “metal” music out right now! Will Sowdon says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Since when has Blackguard been “core”? Brandon Ramos says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am That logo clearly says “Waking The Cadaver” just sayin Brian Black Sunrising says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Brony-core is the wave of the future, mark my words Stéphanie Roy says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am Live and let live guys. You can hate it but you have to respect the artists Kenneth Cynic Arvin says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am *infested-understand BretMalevolent Hoffmann says: November 25, 2013 at 8:41 am I enjoyed this greatly.It brought a tear of joy to my pessimistic eye. « Older Comments Kevin Cole says: November 21, 2013 at 6:24 pm Sigh. I can’t believe the people who either take this and themselves way way way to seriously or complain about complaining. Good job guys. “but you made fun of my favorite core band! You must be old and living in the past! Waaahhh!” deal already. It’s the internet and one person’s opinion. Don’t like it? Don’t read it Evilstalkerhorne says: November 21, 2013 at 1:22 pm Yeah but the most shittiest thing is what you have left out… you go to a live performance and they cannot play to save their asses or they lipstink! That my friend is a guarantee of ME hating some band. Especially if they look like someone put them in a matching costume set be it grundge or metal etc. etc. The next worst to this is half assed playing while standing still burning a sweat with your eyes on the frets, or whatever cause you are not good enough to play and do anything else at the same time…. like even bob your head a bit noooooooooo all your brain has to be allotted for the upcoming chords and solo…. OMG I hope I do not mess up! LOL Then also my friends you in my opinion suck balls! Shane Taylor says: November 21, 2013 at 12:19 pm This is the greatest thing I’ve read since 12/8/04. Libby J says: November 20, 2013 at 7:44 pm This is the music critics’ version of “get off my lawn!” Love it!! Keith Loftin says: November 20, 2013 at 5:49 pm I couldn’t agree more with every single one of these and I’ve had my band for 20 years now. Mike Allen Greenwalt says: November 20, 2013 at 4:22 pm 5 and 6 I can’t agree more.