It’s a Wednesday night and Mrs. Brainfart is out of town for work. So what does Mr. Brainfart do when Mrs. Brainfart is out? Well, he cooks up his Smart Ones frozen meal, takes three beers to the couch, and proceeds to drink and watch Decline of the Western Civilization Pt. 2: The Metal Years. Sounds like a really good time huh? Well, after the three said beers and a few nips from his flask full of Evan Williams, he decides that what would be an even better idea is to do a play by play review of the movie. How could this NOT suck?
For those that have never seen this movie, The Decline of Western Civilization Part 2: The Metal Years is a documentary by Penelope Spheeris about the (at the time) growing glam metal scene in LA/Hollywood. It featured such future stars as Odin, Tommyrot, London, Tuff. Oh wait, those bands never became much more than assistant managers at Ralphs. Anyways, it’s so over the top and features some dialog from these guys that I’m sure they’d be more than proud to show their now teenage kids. Right? Who am I kidding? They all probably wish they could kill this movie with fire. If anything, this movie should serve as a lesson to ALWAYS be careful what you say in front of a camera.
So before we get started, it took me some figuring out how best to go about this here little play by play review. There’s so much shit going on so fast that I would never be able to keep up with so what I did was I broke it down by each featured band/artist and gave my own lil thoughts on them. That dude from Tommyrot talking about trashing hotels because it came “natural” to him, the two ugly ass slutty groupies, the guy from Wet Cherry who wants to buy all his groupies furs and jewelry, and the former Ms. Gazzarri who wants to “continue with her actressing and making movies” are all captured in their glory in this fantastically, horribly, hysterically terrible movie that EVERY fan of hard rock and metal should see at least once in their life!
Lizzy Borden
Starting things off with a pretty fucking kick ass version of “Born to be Wild” is Lizzy Borden. People tend to hate on them for this cover but I fucking dig it. You know, this band was (and maybe they still are) pretty fucking bad ass. The singer (Lizzy Borden) came across as a really cool, collected, and smart guy. From the looks of this performance, they were pretty fucking big at this point for a band of this status. I was a big fan of this band. I had the Murderous Metal Roadshow so seeing them on this movie was cool. Hell, they (or he) has had pretty long career and even though they didn’t make it big, hell at least he’s still going at it. IT was cool seeing him talking about how hard it is doing what they do. I really dug their performance. Hey, where’s Joe Holmes. Was he in the band still at this point? Oh well. Not a bad start.
Poison
What a bunch of fucking dorks but I have to say that they came across as really cool, down to earth guys. This was long before Rock of Love and Bret Michaels’ pet supplies at Petsmart. Hell, they were riding high on their debut album so maybe they were the “success” story here or something. They really seemed like cool guys and you could tell that they still seemed pretty grounded but damn what a bunch of dorks. Bobby Dall looks like a member of Vixen by the way. They’re talking about how they would flyer the Sunset Strip and shit. Hell, these guys didn’t have Facebook Event Pages or ReverbNation so they were truly kicking it old school.
================================================
Faster Pussycat
These guys were playing a homecoming show of sorts at the Cathouse and damn they sounded fucking great. I loved this band so much and this debut album was the shit. They really sound good in this show and it’s funny as fucking shit watching them make fun of guitarist Brent Muscat The funniest shit is that part when they cut to this dumb ass redhead broad and they she looks at her boyfriend and goes, “Where do you think I found his ass huhhh? Cathousssse…” Drunk ass Riki Ractman talking about the Cathouse club and all. Pretty funny shit. The band gets two songs (Cathouse and Bathroom Wall). Why did they get two and Lizzy Borden only one? Oh well. The interview with the band is pretty fucking funny and they come across as really funny but smart too. They don’t look fucked up or like a bunch of wastoids and it’s hilarious to hear the producer ask if they use drugs and they all hesitate and say, “Uh… no.” A couple of years later their drummer would get popped for having heroin delivered to him FedEx. FAIL!
Aerosmith
Totally kind of weird seeing Tyler and Perry in a flick about hair metal. Joe Perry is so not into this at all and it’s funny hearing him talk about being sober for 11 months. If I remember correctly this was around the time of Permenant Vacation. Tyler is his typical arrogant, mouthy self but ya gotta love these guys. You know that at the end of the day it was a paycheck for these guys and it kinda shows.
Seduce
Alright, so we now have Seduce from Detroit! So what I can’t figure out is if these guys were actually in LA or if this was filmed in Detroit. They were filmed driving around in these slick ass classic cars that were borrowed from what I heard and we got to hear them doing the song “Crash Landing” which totally kicks fucking ass. The band themselves seemed to be really cool fucking guys but really smart. It was funny hearing them talking about how they don’t fuck groupies and now they want to invest their money and shit like that. This was such a cool fucking band and I do know that they got signed at one point but they never made it big. I have their albums and they were really great listens.
London
And it’s here were some of the most timeless quotes came from. “We’ve been in this town for so long we’re like a cheap hooker on the street.” “Our dicks get real hard for gold cards.” Fucking priceless. I remember seeing this movie when I was like 14 or so and even then I remember thinking, “These guys are fucking losers.” It’s really kind of sad because you can totally tell that even at this point they’re a bit older than most of their peers and they’re just not making it all. Maybe it’s because they were such a bunch of haggard fuck ups. I will say this though. Nadir DiPriest has a fucking voice on him and their songs were actually pretty cool but damn what a bunch of burnouts. I just saw recently that Lizzie Gray is still alive and he’s still fucked up from the day of filming this movie in 1988.
Ozzy Osbourne
Ozzy making breakfast and talking about being “sober.” Fucking hilarious. Ozzy looks like he’s fucking gacked out of his mind and stammering like a fucking idiot. Actually, Ozzy does seem to be a really cool fucking guy and for someone who has 2 brain cells left at this point he but does have some words of wisdom. He also very openly admits that he’s a drug addict and an alcoholic and that it’s a disease that he’ll fight his entire life. Man, as much as I want to hate him, I love Ozzy for who and what he is.
LA Correctional Officer
This was fucking hilarious. It was some probation officer broad talking about this program called “demetalling” where they get the kids out of heavy metal music. What a fucking nutbag. I do have to say that I wish they had something like that now that would get kids out listening to shitty metal like Ghost, Avenged Sevenfold, and other shit metal bands. Hey, one can wish right?
================================================
Bill Gazzarri
Gotta love this “Godfather of Rock N’ Roll.” This dirty old fucker. They are doing the Ms. Gazzarri dance contest and this is just comedy fucking gold. That chick that was Ms. Gazzarr who was handing over her crown and says, “I’m going to keep on with my actressing and shooting some movies.” I’m sure you did shoot a lot of movies my dear. You know, the kind that end with her taking a load on the face.
================================================
Haha. Here it is. Bill Gazzarri and Ms. Gazzarri announcing ODIN! ODIN! ODIN! ODIN! Comedy fucking gold but not nearly as funny as watching this band play. These guys had to be hands down the single worst band in this movie. It gets funnier as their hanging in a hot tub with a bunch of slutty groupie chicks while talking about how big they’re going to be and that they’ll be signed within six months. Well, not long after this move guitarist Jeff Duncan got a great gig playing in Armored Saint. I guess I didn’t share in the vision of those other tools. From what I understand they did some reunion shows not too long ago. My God I can only imagine what Odin must sound like these days. Actually, I don’t want to imagine that at all.
Chris Holmes
Nothing more sad yet hilarious that seeing Chris Holmes drunk off his ass in a swimming pool floating on a raft while his mom sits poolside. It starts with him saying, “I asked my mom if I could take up rock guitar and she said, ‘No because you’ll turn into one of those drug infested rock stars.” I guess we can just call his mom Nostradamus. He continues to talk about all the groupies he’s fucked and then unloads this line of wisdom: “If you can tour for one year it’ll take four years off your life.” Holy shit. Maybe what really happened was that these younger bands saw this movie when it came and said, “Holy shit. We could possibly turn out like London or Chris Holmes? Fuck that” and then just cashed it all in. I mean, I’m sure this is the extreme of it all but man, when I saw this it totally had me re-thinking if being a musician would actually do this to me. Then I just figured out that it’s not music that does this to you but that he’s just a huge ass fuckup. In this scene he says, “I wish I was a smaller star.” Well, he got his wish. I wonder how that’s working out for him?
I’m An Alcoholic and a Drug Addict
This part of the movie was really interesting and what I love about it is that you have Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, Ozzy, and Lemmy all talking about how they’re alcoholics and drug addicts and that once an addict you’re always an addict. What I remember as a kid was that I was so surprised because everyone (even Ozzy) seemed to be so together and sharp and honest about the topic. As fans of all these bands would know, everyone (except for Alice) would have their bouts with this disease and find themselves back in rehab starting all over again. Matter of fact, I don’t think that Lemmy ever quit drinking or living hard which is why he’s pretty much got one foot out the door as we speak. Even all these years later watching this scene was cool because I could see the importance of young people seeing this scene. This was like the educational segment of the movie yet I still found it interesting. I’m sure they were going to get Chris Holmes to talk more but he was still floating face down in that swimming pool. It was pretty funny watching CC Deville of Poison talking about how you don’t need drugs and you can let music be your drug (as I’m sure he was totally gacked out of his cranium).
================================================
Megadeth
Back in the day I remember thinking it was fucking badass that Megadeth was in this movie but now, looking at this, it’s so out of place having them in this movie that seemed to be more about the glam scene but at the same time, maybe it was just a way to break up the monotony or something. What I think is really funny is watching Junior Ellefson talking about how “You got to keep your wits about you and you got to watch your health to play this kind of music” while his eyes are so fucking bloodshot you can tell his in the subvortex of Planet 9. Dave Mustaine is totally fucking ripped as well but at the same time he still comes across as really fucking smart. They are fucking ripping the shit out of “In My Darkest Hour” which I felt like was such an appropriate song to close out this movie. It totally closed it out in a dark kind of way and also kind of left it feeling like it wasn’t completely resolved.
Will You Make It?
During this movie Penelope Spheeris asks everyone, “Are you going to be a rock star? What if you don’t make it?” Tommyrot dude, curly haired thrash dude who we never heard his band’s name, that dork from Odin, that tool Rik Foxx and his band Sex, every one of them were like, “I’m going to make it. I’ll be a rock star.” I can totally relate to these guys because they’re all young and you can see the hunger and determination in their eyes. The chick from Jaded Lady (so hot by the way) says, “If you want to make it you have to persevere and I will persevere.” I hate thinking all these bands ended up either like London (a bunch of over-the-hill burnouts who, in reality, knew they didn’t have a chance in hell at making it big) or that they just persevered until they were just dead broke or some record label crushed their dreams by signing them and stealing all their publishing and band name. Even the Wet Cherry guy was like, “But we will make it. If you came and saw us you’d think the same thing too.” It was funny though to see the chicks from Vixen saying, “But we will make it” and they totally did and even had (I think) a platinum album and toured with some pretty big names. I mean, that alone shows you the statistical side of this. That was like, what, one out of 10 bands she asked this question to?
================================================
At the end of the day, these guys (and girls) worked their asses off at their trade and in their youth they lived the dream. My heart really does go out to each and every one of them for different reasons and I want to take this moment to offer up some words straight from the Brainfart to them.
To long haired curly thrash dude: I wish I knew who your band was.
To Jaded Lady: Your band rep was one smart woman (and hot) and I’d love to hear what y’all sounded like.
To Odin: I’m sorry that Bill Gazzarri and all your cute little groupies lied to you all those years and fluffed your ego so much that you really thought you had a chance in hell at making it big. You guys sucked.
To Wet Cherry dude: I didn’t want to like you but I liked you a lot. You seemed like a pretty genuine guy.
To Sex: You guys looked like W.A.S.P. and were really dumb.
To Lizzy Borden: Glad to see you’re still going at it and living it up.
To Seduce: You guys were by far the classiest of the whole fucking bunch and a super talented band with great songs.
To Tommyrot dude: I hope you ended up working in the hotel industry. Karma’s a bitch dude.
To Chris Holmes: I will never swim in the same swimming pool as you. Ever.
In closing, Ozzy leaves us all with this little bit of advice: “You’ll meet a lot of people on your way up but don’t fuck them. You’ll meet them on your way down.” Words to live by indeed.
About The Author
