One of the best things about having digital cable is VH1 Classic. They have a show that comes on called Metal Mania that is usually 2 hours or so of nothing but Metal. Think of it as Headbanger’s Ball without the lame ass hosts who think they know what they’re talking about. I’ve decided to start reviewing these videos for random posts here on the Branfart so here ya go! Enjoy these!
Judas Priest – Judas Rising (Live)
As always, live Judas Priest = WIN! This song is actually really kick ass and is from their Rising In The East DVD. Live Priest, fire, face melting guitars… FOR THE FUCKING WIN!
Def Leppard – Love Bites
So does this song AND it’s video. Def Leppard officially handed in their testicles when they put out “Hysteria” and over 20 years later, this shit is even more lame than it was when they put it out. This video is REALLY lame. Just when you thought fake ass performance videos were lame, now you get these lamers pretending to be in the studio. Joe Elliot is singing into an condenser mic WITHOUT a pop filter. This equals a big ass bowl of FAIL.
Poison – Nothing But A Good Time
The reigning kings of the “performance” video. What I love about Poison though is that not only do they kick ass but they’re fun as fuck to watch. They are pretty much the 2nd coming of KISS in my opinion. They know they’re not great songwriters or even great musicians but they have a fucking blast and if you don’t smile after watching a Poison video (sans the sad songs), you’ve got issues. This is just one of those videos that makes you like them because they know they’re a bunch of tools so you can’t hate ‘em for that.
Skid Row – 18 & Life
This video actually doesn’t suck. It’s a great song and they makers of this video really did a good job telling a story that went along with the lyrics of the song. The performance parts of the video manage to, once again, make Skid Row look like a cool bunch of motherfuckers. This was a cool looking band and they managed to not look like dweebs in this video. The story and the song are dark and the video does a great job and making you want to watch the thing more than once.
Quiet Riot – Mama We’re All Crazee Now
Lotta people say this band pretty much killed themselves by having two huge hits by covering Slade songs. I don’t care what they say but Quiet Riot kicked ass. Videos from the 80’s all look so dated and they’re all pretty much performance videos. This video doesn’t do anything for me but it is a great excuse to hear a great song.
Helix – Wild In The Streets
Helix. Wow, I couldn’t tell you the last time I heard a Helix song and after watching this video I was reminded why. Nah, they really weren’t that bad. They actually looked like the blueprint that bands like Poison and Warrant totally modeled themselves after. Helix also reminded me that there was another phenomenon with metal bands in videos. That was to do a performance video on a stage with a huge, elaborate stage setup with ramps, stairs and faux brick wall. All of which were bigger than a band like this would EVER perform on in their entire lives. These guys probably never made it past the dive bars.
Alice Cooper – He’s Back The Man Behind The Mask
It really breaks my heart to say that Alice Cooper did anything that sucks but boy, this really bites the big one. Alice’s video and single for one of the hundreds of Halloween movies. This one was absolutely painful. The song itself sounds like it was recorded with a portable Casio keyboard. Absolutely horrible.
KISS – Heavens On Fire
If there was ever a band that videos did harm to it was KISS. Talk about making such a cool fucking band looking like a bunch of fucking retards. These guys are embarrassing to watch but ya know what? We love KISS so we forgive them for all their dumb ass videos. One can only watch Paul Stanley suck on his fingers so much.
Warrant – Cherry Pie
HAHAHA! Wow… Not much to really say here. Wow these guys are clever. Huh huh, we’re spraying this hot chick with a fire hose… GET IT? A FIRE HOSE? Wow. I heard Jani Lane say once that every time he hears this song he’s so embarrassed that he wrote this and wishes he would die. He said it!
Scorpions – Rock You Like A Hurricane
Another 80’s metal video. This means that it makes absolutely no sense and is pretty much a performance video. This time the band is performing in a huge cage with a mad group of people trying to break the cage. Kick ass band, kick ass song, horrible video. Although I have to say I die laughing every time I see the beginning and they come out of those Spinal Tap-like cocoons.
Dokken – Dream Warriors
This video is ridiculously funny. One almost has a feeling that the band knows just how ridiculous they look so it’s actually forgivable. Basically it’s the band performing in scenes that are from Nightmare On Elmstreet III: The Dream Warriors. It’s pretty funny to watch and Patricia Arquette is in this video looking pretty hot. The song itself kicks ass so this makes it fun. The video really isn’t that bad and is totally watchable for the kitsch value.
Tesla – Love Song
A great band that made a great video for a great song. This was recorded on their “Great Radio Controversy” tour and it’s just as simple as the band themselves. Shows them performing at soundcheck and then performing before a full scale audience of screaming fans. Sounds corny but it’s a very effective video if you were curious to see what these guys looked like performing live. The audio isn’t live but at least back then, they sounded even better than the records. These days, singer Jeff Keith’s voice is shot to hell but back then they were a powerhouse fucking band.
David Lee Roth – Goin Crazy
It’s fucking Diamond Dave! What can you say? You know the video is gonna be ridiculous and corny but TONS of fun to watch. It’s a performance video and the band is totally aware of how ridiculous they are. It’s funny how a video is so much more watchable when you get the idea that the band knows they look silly. It also helps that this song kicks fucking ass!
About The Author
