Welcome back to yet ANOTHER installment of the Metal Mania Reviews. These are just too much fun. Fucking brilliant!!! As you can imagine, this show does tend to play some of the same videos multiple times. I will not be reviewing the same video twice so there’s a chance some of these entries will get smaller as time goes on. Some of these videos are just kick ass awesome and some are a big ass cup of fail! Read on my friends in metal… read on!
Iron Maiden – The Trooper
Iron Maiden, yet again, being a bad ass bunch of motherfuckers performing on their “World Piece Tour” stage set up while some crazy ass black and white silent movie footage plays. These guys just know how awesome they are and how bad ass they look in their videos. Nothing to hate here. Iron Maiden Melts My Fucking Face!
Bon Jovi – Born To Be My Baby
Hi, we’re Bon Jovi and we lip sync in a recording studio to make you believe that you’re really seeing us recording this craptastic song. Our hair also looks really good and we’re trying really hard to not look like pussies but we are failing terribly. Thanks for watching!
Whitesnake – Is This Love?
Is there a band in this video? I’m sorry, of so, I couldn’t see them past Tawny Kitean’s hot ass in the see through white mini dress and thong. This is actually a great song. Go ahead, laugh all you want but I dig me some Whitesnake. It’s a terribly cheesy song but as far as hard rock/metal ballads go, this is one of my favorites. Oh, sorry, Tawny’s in a black dress now. Was I saying something? Hmmmm….
Queensryche – Empire
Great fucking song and a great fucking band. This one is a conceptual video that has some pretty dark imagery to compliment the lyrics along with spliced in “performance” footage from the smart boys of metal. The concept footage is all about drugs and gangstas. Kinda reminds me of the Dr. Feelgood video minus the lame ass band. This song and video just kick all kinds of ass. FOUR HORNS UP BITCHES! Queensryche FTW!
Guns N Roses – Welcome To The Jungle
I’m not a big ol’ G N’ R nutswinger but this song kicks all kinds of ass. The intro shows Axl getting off a bus in LA looking like a redneck shitkicker and right away is approached by a drug dealer and a hooker. This is really unrealistic cuz in the video he turns them both down. You know in real life he would’ve bought the drugs and then bitchslapped the hooker. The video is mainly performance shit trying to make them look like a bunch of bad mother fuckers. I remember them looking pretty cool back then until I saw and heard Hanoi Rocks for the first time and then realized that GnR were a bunch of plagiarist posers.
KISS – Lick It Up
What a ridiculous fucking video for a pretty terrible song. It was the first time the world was seeing KISS without their makeup and the first thing the world yelled was “PUT IT BACK ON YOU UGLY FUCKS!”. The video is like KISS is the last men on earth along with a bunch of hot looking broads at the end the world. They could only wish that would be the case and even though it’s the end of the world, they still have their drums, guitars and amps and shit. This video kinda sucks but ya know what? It kinda rules in a weird way. Changed my mind. This shit rocks!
Scorpions – Rhythm of Love
So I guess this is the Scorpions performing in a futuristic arena of sorts. It’s got some spaceship pulling into some spaceage city that looks like the Cloud City in Empire Strikes Back. The band gets off the ship and then goes into this futuristic arena and starts playing this kick ass son while it shows some hot ass chick getting naked and taking a space shower. It’s a pretty corny video but it’s a great song and it has a hot chick in it with big breasts. My only problem w/ the video is at one point it shows her getting into a Camaro. Dod they have Camoros in space in the future? The band also gets bonus points for having a brunette in the video. Way too many blondes in videos. Hot brunettes FTW!
Frehley’s Comet – Rip It Out (Live)
This is just as simple as it gets. It’s Ace Frehley live with the most awkward looking backup band of all time but kicking major ass live on stage. Don’t need much more than this. Just plain kick ass Ace!
Helix – Deep Cuts The Knife
This is the 2nd video I’ve seen by this band and thie is the 2nd time I am less than impressed. This shit sucks. It’s some lame ass ballad that starts with the singer rolling around in bed thinking about some broad that wears way too much make up and then here it comes… the kick in. The band kicks in and now he’s on stage with them and they are once again on this HUGE stage with ramps, stairs and smoke. Did these guys ever even play on stage big enough to have all this shit on it?
Rose Tattoo – Scarred For Life
So I don’t know shit about this band but they kick fucking ass. It looks like an older video being that it looks like a dated performance clip but the song kicks ass. The band is ugly as sin but damn they are fucking awesome. Kinda like a gritty rock and roll band similar to AC/DC. I dig this shit. Nothing spectacular to watch but it’s a great song.
Jackyl – The Lumberjack
The redneck AC/DC with the novelty song that wouldn’t go away. The video has the band performing live and in front of some white trash shack while the singer plays his “chainsaw”. Bunch of redneck kids in a classroom headbanging while footage of the band plays on the blackboards. This shit SUCKS. I totally fell for this shit when I was in high school but damn, what a lame ass bunch of crapolla.
Babylon AD – When The Hammer Swings Down
These guys are easily one of the better “later years” metal bands that came out way too late. This song just kicks some major ass but the video is just kinda lame. Them performing and trying to look cool along with some kinda “all girls prison” type of footage. The hot ass brunette in the slutty police woman gear is a nice touch but like I said, still kinda lame and totally played out. This band still kicks ass and if anything, the video is watchable because the song kicks ass and the brunette looks good! I’ve seen worse but again, this song kills!
Winger – Easy Come, Easy Go
These guys always get slammed but man, what a great fucking band they were. Why these got the shitty end of the stick is beyond me. They were way better than many of their peers. This video is really pretty cool since it’s a live videos. Live videos (REAL LIVE) videos were always cool cuz you got an idea about how certain bands were live in concert. I saw them on this tour myself and they kicked ass, just like they do in this video. Great video, great song. Go ahead, laugh it up asshole!
Skid Row – Monkey Business
This is Skid Row performing in some fucking wasteland looking like a bunch of bad motherfuckers. This song kicks ass and this band kicks ass. These look like they’ve survived the fucking end of the world in some fucking barren field and are just kicking ass all over the place. Goddamn this song makes me want to pump my fist like a fucking metal dude! Great video, REALLY intense.
Sebastian Bach – Love Is A Bitchslap
Sebastian Bach put out an album called “Angel Down” that kicked a bunch of fucking ass. This song is really badass and the video is just live and showing that he can kick ass with out Skid Row. Skid Row, you’ve lost your testicles dudes. Call Sebastian if you want them back because he’s bronzed them and is wearing them. For the fucking win!
Motley Crue – Kickstart My Heart
Horrible song! It blows me away just how many god awful songs this band can have. Don’t get me wrong, I used to think that these guys were the shit. This video is kind of a “retrospective” of the band and now they were supposed to be “sober” and still kicking ass. It shows them playing a really small show in some club and going back to their roots. All I can say is thank god it wasn’t REALLY live. Have you ever heard that band live? Yikes!
Triumph – Lay It On The Line
Fucking bad ass song. I love this fucking song. Madkes me wonder why I never dug deeper into this band. They were like Rush Jr. I think they were Canadian as well. This video is a live version of this bad ass song. It’s obviously an old ass video cuz Rik Emmett is young and that fucker’s old as dirt now. These guys weren’t nearly as good as Rush but they were fucking kick ass.
Pantera – Mouth For War
When you kick as much fucking ass as Pantera did in this era, it’s pretty hard to look like you DON’T fucking rule. This video is just a black and white performance video with the band lip synching but they look like some bad motherfuckers. That part where Phil Anselmo crushes bricks with a sledgehammer is like he’s saying “I’ll fuck you up punk ass bitch!”. The end is bad ass when it kicks in and there’s a bunch of fucking freak ass Pantera fans moshing around the band in a circle. Bad to the fucking bone. Pantera FTW!
Def Leppard – Rock of Ages
So while this song and band used to kick ass many moons ago, this is just proof that these guys can’t make videos. What the fuck is this crap? Joe Elliot and Co. in some futuristic video set with a huge ass sword that turns into a fucking Gibson Explorer guitar? Wow, I want my 3 minutes back!
Iron Maiden – Number of the Beast
Man, Maiden just fucking wins! This is just a performance video of the band performing on the Number of the Best stage set up and kicking much ass. The best part is that this guy and his chick come out dancing around the stage w/ the number “6” on their backs like a dance contest and she turns into a fucking werewolf! Maiden fucking rules! Nuff said.
Voi Vod – Astronome Domine
These guys kick fucking ass. First off, a metal version of a fucking kick ass Floyd song! Instant win. The video is pretty simple but it’s crazy looking. Lots of closeups of the singer while singing and then it shows them playing on some revolving type of stage and they’re all upside down and shit. Bunch of crazy visuals and lights and them just kicking a boatload of ass. These guys are the fucking win! I need to check more out of this band!
Warrant – Big Talk
Once upon a time, this band could fill arenas… for about 15 minutes. I want to NOT like this song/video but I do. It’s a fun live video with some funny shit spliced in of the band in costumes and shit and the song itself is really catchy. I kinda dug this song and it made me remember that while I didn’t love this band by a long shot, they definitely put on a good live show. I think they were just the least good of the bunch and had less staying power than any of them. Not a bad video or song.
Cinderella – Don’t Know What You Got Till It’s Gone
One of my favorite (and most talented) bands of the genre. These guys kicked ass and had a certain sense of class that many others didn’t have (kinda like Tesla). This video for their famous power ballad is a cool video. It’s the band playing in some pretty awesome natural scenery. Instead of rockin’ out in a pretend studio or fake stage, they opted to do performance footage in some absolutely beautiful natural landscapes. They fucking pulled this one off big time!
Megadeth – Holy Wars The Punishment Due
Fucking rip my goddamn face off won’t you? Much like Pantera, when you kick as much ass as Megadeth does, you just rule! This video is the band performing in a circle on a soundstage w/ the camera going around them to show just how much all of them kick ass. Dave Mustane just shreds on this song and in the video with his bad ass bullet belt. I always wanted one of those but fat kids look stupid in those. Anyway, the video kicks ass and has all kinds of dark media footage to go along with the whole concept of the “holy wars”, “punishment” and all that destructive shit they sing about. For the fucking win!
Europe – Cherokee
HAHAHA! Wow! These losers are playing in the desert and I guess they’re trying to look all badass and shit which right way is a big ass cup of FAIL! The concept of the video is that this hot ass brunette and her dumb friend have some how awaken the spirit of the Cherokee indians while the lame ass band jams out on keytars as their hair blows in the wind and what not. The war of the cowboys and indians rages on as the band proceeds to ham it up in the desert. Wow… just wow!
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