Finally! The moment you’ve all been waiting for. Welcome to the 2016 Farty Awards. It’s hard to believe that you freaks have been actually looking forward to reading these for five years now. Well, thanks for that and I hope that the 2017 winners/losers will make you as happy/pissed off as they always do. Ya know, let’s just cut to the chase. No more cutesie talk. Let’s do this…
Band I Couldn’t Shut My Piehole About This Year
Winner: Savage Master
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Savage Master really blew my mind this year and with their latest album With Whips and Chains and a live show that totally took things over the top. They left my neck hurting for 3 days and that, my friends, is not something that every band or any band can do. They were definitely my “buzz” band for 2016 and I can’t wait to see what they have in store for us in 2017 and beyond.
=========================================
The “They Asked For It” Shitty Award
Winner: Kickin’ Valentina
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Their bassist LITERALLY said that he wanted them to have some kind of shitty award from me so I gave them one! Please share a pic of you guys holding it up.
=========================================
Best Moment in 2016
Winner: The De”Bach”le
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Without a doubt, my most favorite moment of 2016 was my war of words with the mouth of New Jersey, Mr. Sebastian Bierk. I’d love to personally thank him for my 48 hours of fame and the increase of traffic to my website. Did you miss it or do you just want to relive it again? Here’s the Blabbermouth article: http://www.blabbermouth.net/news/sebastian-bach-slams-writer-over-negative-concert-review-go-fk-yourself/
=========================================
Most Horribly Awesome Moment of 2016
Winner: Blaze Bayley’s “Crazy Christmas”.
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
What could possibly get any worse than a new Blaze Bayley song? How about a Blaze Bayley Christmas song? The Blazemeister released this horribly awesome video that features a whole cast of confused, unsuspecting characters waving to a camera including, wait for it, Disturbed. It also featured Blaze himself tearing up streets on his hog doing about 15mph while waving. Hell, why not just watch it for yourself?
=========================================
Most Awesome Discovery of 2016
Winner: Hevisaurus
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
When my friend from Finland told me she was taking her grandkids to see Hevisaurus I had to have her explain them to me. A power metal band that dresses like dinosaurs playing music that rivals bands like Avantasia and Manowar. I was absolutely mindblown and even though I have no fucking clue what they are saying (all the songs are sung in Finnish), I couldn’t help but be sucked into their world. Without a doubt this was my most awesome discovery!
=========================================
Bounce Back of the Year
Winner: Scorpion Child
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
These guys almost completely broke up leaving them with only their singer and lead guitarist. When things looked at their most grim, they bounced back with one of the most bad ass rhythm sections in the genre, added a keyboardist, and took things to a whole new stratospheric level with their new album, Acid Roulette. Scorpion Child is proof that if you stick to your guns and never give up, you can come out of the shit smelling like roses.
=========================================
Band I’d Rather Eat Thumbtacks Than Listen To (aka The Ghost Achievement Award)
Winner: Gojira
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
God awful. Not even good. I just don’t fucking get them. They’re in line with those other “hip” bands such as Volbeat and whoever else everything thinks I’m a dumbass for not drooling over. Gojira? Uh, NOjira for me, thanks.
=========================================
Favorite Song to Sing Like A Goddamn Idiot While Driving
Winner: Savage Master – Ready to Sin
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
I could not stop singing this song. I would sometimes even listen to this on repeat 3 or 4 times while driving and just headbang like an idiot. At one point, I was at a red light and this lady next to me was staring at me so I just yelled at her out my window and she freaked out. Yeah… Yeah…
=========================================
Metal Trend That Makes Me Want To Eat Dry Baby Formula and Puke
Winner: Replacing “U”s with “V”s and using 2 “V’s” as a “W.”
VVhy do people do this? I think this is the dvmbest thing I have ever seen and it drives me fucking nuts. Please st0p doing thi$.
=========================================
Best Band Name
Winner: Goblin Cock
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Terrible band, awesome name. Do I really need to say anything more? Seriously…
=========================================
Favorite Local Band of 2016
Winner: Paladin
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
I had the pleasure of seeing this band three different times this year and every time I saw them I just loved them. Good old fashioned classic metal with energy, drive, and a damn near flawless delivery. I cannot wait to hear more and see more of this band. I only wish there were more of them here in Atlanta.
https://www.facebook.com/paladinatl
=========================================
Worst Local Band of 2016
Winner: NONE! Gotta stay safe!
=========================================
Worst Band Name
Winner: IKILLYA
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Seriously. IKILLYA? This name just KILLSMELAUGHING.
=========================================
Happiest Band in Metal
Winner: Sabaton
Runner Up: Widow
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Sabaton. How can you NOT fucking smile ear to ear watching these guys? Sabaton has made it metal as fuck to be happy and smile and I fucking love it. They have the time of their lives on stage and that energy spreads to the crowd. It’s such a nice change from the grim, somber, seriousness of most metal bands. Sabaton = happy!
The only band that seems to be as happy as Sabaton is NC band Widow. Seriously, those guys are so fucking slaphappy that I bet they freebase Xanax and Prozac on a daily basis.
=========================================
Near Punch In The Face Experience of 2016
Winner: Dude from Brazen Angel
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
When someone comes up to me and says, “Hey, aren’t you the Great Southern Brainfart?” Immediately I am both happy and horrified at the same time. This time around, it was the later as the bassist for the band Brazen Angel gets in my face and says, “You called us the worst band in Atlanta and that’s fucked up, dude.” I asked him what band he was in and he says, “Brazen Angel.” I replied, “If it makes you feel any better, a few other bands have taken that title away from you since then.” He didn’t look amused and this was my near brush with getting my face punched in.
=========================================
Biggest Live Surprise of 2016
Winner: Dream Theater – The Astonishing Live
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
I love it when something that you think is going to be not so great completely exceeds any and all expectations and leaves you with your own foot in your mouth. Dream Theater did exactly this with The Astonishing Live. I walked out of that performance absolutely mesmerized and in awe at what an amazing performance it was. I love when that happens!
=========================================
Worst Show of 2016
Winner: Sebastian Bach
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
I don’t think I need to say much about this but seriously, when the guy standing next to you pukes during a horrible take on the guitar solo in “Monkey Business”, that just says so much. Also see:
=========================================
Best Touring Bill of 2016
Winner: Electric Citizen/Horisont
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Easily one of the best show lineups I saw this year. Each band brought their A-Game and it was a very cohesive, fun night of music. There wasn’t a bad song played this night and it was just so much fun to watch each band play with all they had to step it up after each other. I love it when bands challenge themselves and each other and on this particular night, it was a really magical night of music.
=========================================
European Band I Was Pissed Didn’t Come to the US
Winner: Blues Pills (again)
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Seriously. Hello! Blues Pills! We’re over here! We’re ready! I’ll bring the wine and cheese!
=========================================
Worst Album (aka: The Shark Sandwich Award)
Winner: Freedom Call – Master of Light
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Nothing worse than an album written by a bunch of super talented players with lyrics that sound as if they were written by 13 year old dungeon master. This was without a doubt the shittiest thing I heard all year. This shit made the new Anvil album sound like Powerslave. Seriously, this shit sucks.
=========================================
Best Old Dude Hard Rock Album
Winner: Glenn Hughes – Resonate
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Some of these old cats are still proving that they can do it better than the youngins and this year, Glenn Hughes not only proved that but he proved that he doesn’t need some lame ass “supergroup” of players backing him up. No Black Country Communion, no California Breed, just Glenn and what do you get? A goddamn face melting piece of perfection. This album was absolutely brilliant. Great job, Glenn. Enjoy your reward! (please share a photo of you holding it up. It’ll be good for my web traffic)
=========================================
Best Old School Album That I Heard This Year
Winner: Aphrodite’s Child – 666
Easily one of the most obscure, strange albums I heard this year that I couldn’t stop listening to. I love it when an album released in 1972 can be just as exciting and fresh as anything released in modern times. The album is a double album of songs comprised of Biblical passages from The Book of Revelation. Yeah, far out right?
=========================================
Band That Should’ve Put a New Album Out This Year But Didn’t
Winner: Brave
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Not much to say here either other than HURRY THE FUCK UP!
=========================================
Best Non-Metal Album
Winner: Marissa Nadler – July
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
How did I hear of Marissa Nadler? Because my goofy friends who love Ghost talked about this weird folk girl opening for them on this last tour. I checked her out and instantly fell in love with not just her latest album Strangers but all of her stuff. As a matter of fact, I instantly felt a stronger connection to hear previous album, July and that album became hands down my favorite non-metal album jam this year.
=========================================
Favorite Hard Rock/Metal Label
Winner: Riding Easy Records
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Riding Easy Records really stepped up to the plate putting out such great music by bands such as Electric Citizen, Mondo Drag, and Salem’s Pot just to name a few. They put so much work behind their artists and have done a great job establishing themselves as a force to be reckoned with in the psych rock game where normally Europe would reign supreme. Great job, Riding Easy. Step up and get your award.
=========================================
Best Podcast
Winner: Talk is Jericho
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
I really want to hate this guy because I always thought he looked like a douchebag but hey, I learned the age old tale of “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” Talk is Jericho easily became my favorite podcast of 2016 and I loved learning just how knowledgeable about hard rock and metal this guy is. His podcasts were always a fun listen and I always anticipated seeing what guests he would have. He’s not overly long winded and they are easy listens. A nice surprise for me in 2016 for sure.
http://podcastone.com/Talk-Is-Jericho
=========================================
Awesomely Bad Video This Year
Winner: Jorn Lande – There’s Something Goin’ On
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
I’ll just leave this here.
=========================================
Best Metal Book I Read This Year
Winner: Off The Rails – Rudy Sarzo
It took me a while to get to this one but once I did, I couldn’t put it down. It was also the first book I read on a Kindle which made me fall in love with my Kindle. It was a great read. No mudslinging, no bitterness, just a big kid living the dream and recounting his days in a time and place that many would’ve given a limb to be a part of.
=========================================
Best Satire Metal Website
Winner: Tyranny of Tradition
Runner Up: Over The Top Metal News
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Tyranny of Tradition brought news in 2016 that was far more interesting than just about anything the “real” sites could have posted. With headlines like, “Donald Trump Revealed To Be First Cro-Mags Singer” and “Bowie Knife To Be Renamed Bowie Knife In Honor of Dead Musician”, ToT was hands down my favorite satire site. I wish they would’ve had more content this year but what they did have was pure gold.
Over the Top Metal News also delivered the goods with such headlines as, “Metallica Fan at MIT Invents Time Machine So She Can Go Back to When Metallica Didn’t Suck”, “Gary Holt to Sublet His Position in Exodus”, and “Bernie Sanders Endorses Venom, INC Calling Them The REAL Venom!”, OTTMN delivered the goods as well confusing readers, pissing people off, and actually having Rush fans believe that Tom Hanks was indeed portraying Neil Peart in a Rush biopic. Great job kids. Get your awards now!
=========================================
Biggest Disappointment of 2016
Winner: Graveyard Breaking Up
I can’t even talk about this again. Just read my thoughts HERE. I’m still in mourning.
=========================================
Best Interview
Winner: Dennis Dunaway
Runner Up: Brett Anderson
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
If you would’ve told me at any point in my life that I would be interviewing the legendary Dennis Dunaway of the original Alice Cooper Group, I would’ve laughed hysterically. Well, for nearly an hour Dennis shared stories with me via telephone and even shared things with me that he hadn’t shared in interviews before. He was a sweet, kind, and truly humble person and it was an honor to speak with him on such a grand level. Read it HERE!
Just behind my interview with Dennis was my interview with former Donnas/current Stripminers’ vocalist Brett Anderson. For nearly an hour, Brett and I talked, laughed, and bonded as she shared some the most insightful answers to questions that I’ve had anyone share with me. Talking with Brett was such an amazing experience as a long time fan but as a writer I felt that connection and it was unbreakable for the time we had together. Without a doubt up there in my top favorites. Read he HERE!
=========================================
Worst Interview (aka. The Eric Peterson Award)
Winner: None
Welp. That was easy.
=========================================
Best Twitter Account
Winner: David Coverdale
Runner Up: Dave Mustaine
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
David Coverdale’s Twitter account is like watching the potty mouthed, dirty minded brain of a 16 year old and I fucking love it. I mean, it’s David Fucking Coverdale. How else would you expect him to be? It’s such a nice break from all the seriousness of life and reminds you that no matter how old you get, you can still be a dirty fuck and have an audience.
As for Dave Mustaine, I just love that he’s as big an asshole on Twitter as he is in real life. No hiding it here. Dave put it’s all out like always for his fan’s ridiculous questions and it’s a reminder of why we all hate to love to hate Dave Mustaine.
=========================================
The Underdog Award of 2016
Winner: Geoff Tate
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Tate toured this year parallel to his former Queensryche band mates and while people will tell you that Tate sucks and that Dwarfryche is the shit, I snooty laugh at them. I saw Dwarfryche for all about 20 minutes and I literally started to dream with my eyes open. I saw Tate supporting Ace Frehley this year and the man brought the house down. Nuff said. Tate Rules, Queensryche drools.
=========================================
Up & Coming Band of 2016
Winner: Shadow Witch
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
This New York band really piqued my interest with their debut album Sun Killer. It was a frequent spin for me and their song “Occupy” was one of the coolest fucking songs I heard this year. A great band, with a great debut and a band to look out for without a doubt. Check them out here: https://shadowwitch.bandcamp.com/
=========================================
Three Bands to Watch Out For in 2017
Winner: Old James, Punishment, Shadow Witch
DOWNLOAD YOUR AWARD HERE!
Old James
This Canadian power trio was brought to my attention by my good friend and site contributor Taylor. The minute I laid ears on these guys I was absolutely floored. Just good ol’ fashioned roots rock played with attitude, punch, and fire. Just what we need these days and more of it. Can’t wait to see what they bring us in ’17.
Shadow Witch
I just talked about them in the above award so just read that. Yeah, they’re awesome.
Punishment
Man, is Canada gonna be the new Sweden? Punishment is a great band that put out an absolutely fantastic album this year called Remnants of Things Left Unsaid. Featuring former Slik Toxik guitarist Kevin Gale, Punishment is best described as Alice in Chains fronted by classic era Whitesnake David Coverdale on vocals. Trust me, this shit doesn’t suck and it’s definitely got me looking out for more great things from them in 2017.
About The Author
