They say not to judge a book by its cover. Well, it’s kind of hard to do when the cover looks like it was done by a 14-year-old who just started taking digital imaging classes. I mean, let’s look at this cover, shall we? You have the buxom, sexy female with a jacked up face who is standing in front of a closet door. Don’t worry. She’s not ugly; she’s just drawn that way. Now, what’s the deal with the door? Is it closing on one side and opening on the other? A Marshall stack. Now, this guy definitely means business and I love the “artist” made sure you could read the “ESP” on the headstock of the guitar. Oh, I get it, that is actually Curly’s guitar! Fantastic. Wait, what’s this? Two basses coming out of the closet? What’s he gonna do? Go into “Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap or something? Wow, and we haven’t even gotten into the album yet.
For those of you who don’t know, Bob Kulick is somewhat of a studio legend. He originally auditioned for the guitar spot in KISS that went to Ace Frehley. One can only assume that while he looks ridiculous, he’s a monster player so KISS kept him around and used him various studio projects and even was the guitarist in Paul Stanley’s solo band. After 51 years, Bob Kulick was ready to step out front and show the world what we was capable of doing as a solo artist and the results are nothing less than absolutely hysterical.
Skeletons In the Closet kicks off with “Rich Man” featuring the pitchy vocals of Todd Kerns (who?) singing, “Ain’t got no money, ain’t got no swimming pools, but I got you so baby I’m a rich man.” This pretty much makes any KISS song sound like a Rush anthem. Dee Snider delivers an outstanding performance on the song “London” but this is a great example of how not even the best of vocalists can save a poorly written song. Things just get more hilarious as we are gifted with such deep, thought provoking tracks such as “Player”, “Can’t Stop The Rock”, and the masterpiece “Guitar Commandos” where singer Dennis St. James (who?) sings, “When the time is right, I can play all night, I’m hard wired straight to your soul” and “… we know all the tricks of the trade. We’re no pretenders. Whoa oh! Guitar Commandos.” I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
My wife always tells me to try and compliment any negatives with a positive so I at least I can say this with a straight face: Bob Kulick is a bad motherfucker on the guitar. He’s a fantastic player and the guy can fucking rip it. With the exception of one guy, he chose some pretty stellar vocalists and the production is top notch. That being said, you can’t polish a turd. The songs are juvenile at best and are corny, hilarious, and far beyond cliché. Kulick is much better suited being a behind the scenes guy and if I were him, I’m cram these skeletons back into the closet really fucking quick before anyone notices what he’s let out.