Happy Valentines Day! Top 10 Worst Power Ballads From The Heavy Metal Lunch!

For those that are out of the know, I am the co-host of an awesome Podcast called The Heavy Metal Lunch. About two years ago we did a Valentines Day Special in which we listed our Top 10 Worst Power Ballads of all time! There’s nothing funnier than hearing all these misogynist bands having a heart and proclaiming their love! It’s nice that they quit hitting their girlfriends and groupies long enough to say “I love you baby!”

If you’d like to give it a listen, do yourself a favor and head over to The Heavy Metal Lunch Valentines Special.  Here is a break down of our list!  Hope you enjoy this!

10. Firehouse – Love of A Lifetime
How can you name yourself after a really kick ass KISS song and be as fucking lame as this band? Just hearing the name Firehouse you automatically think of two things. Great KISS song and really wussy, lame ass band.

9. Motley Crue – Without You
“Without You in my life, I’d slowly wilt and die!” Wow. Just… wow. Not only is this an absolutely horrible song, it’s so funny to hear a band that has prided themselves on being womanizers and devourers of groupies singing a “love song.” Make up your minds guys. Do you wanna use women and throw them away or love them? It’s one or the other dudes!

8. Lita Ford (w/ Ozzy Osbourne) – Close My Eyes Forever
A premier metal gothic love song. On an album that is surprisingly rocking, this song just totally brings it down to a whole level of suck. I remember when this song came out and hated but but felt bad hating it because Ozzy was on it. What a way to try and trick us poor metal kids into pretending to like something that sucks so bad! Not even Ozzy could save this from suckdom!

7. Damn Yankees – High Enough
I like to refer to Damn Yankees as a SuperSUCKgroup. Really! Take three guys that never really rocked in the first place and add a faceless drummer and you get Damn Yankees. This song is beyond suck and hard to believe that it’s not #1. Strings? REALLY? That just made it even worse if that was even possible.

6. When The Children Cry – White Lion
HAHAHA! As Jammin’ Jaymz says, “Whiney and Lispy.” This guy’s voice was the fucking worst and not only was this a power ballad but it was a socially conscious power ballad. LAME! The only metal bands that could ever pull off social consciousness were bands like Iron Maiden, Metallica and Testament. White Lion? I fucking doubt it. Add to that one of the most out of place sounding guitar solos of all time and you have a recipe for pure suck!

5. Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns N’ Roses
For a band that was trying so hard to be the biggest bunch of badasses to come out of Hollywood, they sure did manage to put out one of the most wuss songs ever. You get this guy that beats the crap out of every woman he’s ever been with and then sings a song about how “She’s got eyes of the bluest skies.” More like “She’s got eyes that are black as night!” FAIL!

4. Heaven – Warrant
Ok, so these guys had a few “OK” songs and I’m ok to admit that but THIS was not one of them. Again, just when you think a band couldn’t get more lame, here come’s the boys of Warrant. “Heaven Isn’t Too Far Away!” Ok, I’m getting sick just thinking about this one. Next…

3. Honestly – Stryper
So I’m still on the fence about whether this song is professing his love of his woman or his love of God. Unlike the other bands on this list, Stryper was never known for their love of promiscuous sex, drugs and groupies (although there are rumors). These guys were God’s Metal Messengers, delivering the word and message of God through Heavy Metal. Ok, that’s just as creepy as bands recruiting for Satan’s Army. Actually, it IS creepier. This song just makes me feel uncomfortable because I get the idea that if this song is to God, Michael Sweet would like to lay down and make sweet love to him/her.

2. Forever – KISS
KISS is a band that has made some pretty crappy decisions in their career yet their fans (me included) still manage to forgive and forget. This is one of those things that I can do neither. How in the fucking world can a band like KISS get teamed up with Michael Bolton to write a hit power ballad. The only thing that rocks less that Michael Bolton is KISS performing a Michael Bolton song. This was close to the worst but no cigar.

1. I’ll Never Let You Go (Angel Eyes) – Steelheart
You cannot get any worse than this song hands down. The first time I heard this song I think I threw up in my mouth. First off, I couldn’t believe that I was seeing this video on Headbangers Ball. Here’s this wuss sitting there playing a huge guitar with better hair than any woman I’ve ever seen. The wind blowing his hair as he sings “Angel Eyes… You’ve got angel eyes…” with his bright white Colgate smile. This was the most UNMETAL and UNPOWERFUL power ballad I have ever heard. It makes “Forever” sound like a fucking Slayer song. You just can’t get any worse than this craptastic piece.

Happy Valentines Day from the Brainfart!

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