***UPDATE*** This story is a total joke. The website that this story originated at has a few “Onion” like stories based around metal music. I have to say that this was one of the funniest hoaxes I have seen in a long time! Kudos to them for pulling it off. Its still a funny read nonetheless!
Venom is without a doubt one of the reigning New Wave of British Heavy Metal bands. The band has created a legendary heavy metal legacy with albums such as “Black Metal” and “At War With Satan.” With their Satanic imagery and dark, evil lyrical content, Venom are gods at what they do. All this said, why is lead singer/bassist Cronos feeling kinda blue these days?
Waiting patiently for an invitation that would never come, Cronos is saddened that he wasn’t invited to the recent Royal nuptials of Kate Middleton and Prince Harry. So why is lead singer/bassist Cronos so bummed to be getting the royal snub? Well, it’s simple. Cronos is bummed because he is none other than Kate Middleton’s uncle.
That’s right. Cronos (also known as Conrad Lant) is the brother of Mary Lant, Kate Middleton’s mother. In an exclusive interview with The Tyranny of Tradition, Cronos revealed that he had a close relationship with Kate from the time she was a baby. “We were on tour supporting the Welcome to Hell album when I got the call. Little Katy was about to be born. The band and I cancelled the show and rushed to the hospital. I’ll never forget when I held her for the first time. Abaddon and I broke down in tears. It was beautiful,” recalled Cronos.
Cronos was always a big part of the future princesses life. She grew up going to Venom concerts and was even in the studio when the band recorded their third album “At War With Satan”. “Mantas had this great idea to have her voice mixed into the background of the song “Aaaaaarrghh” but it we were never able to get it to sound right.”
As Kate got older she got more involved with the band. “She started playing drums at age 7 and even sat in with us a few times during concerts. She played Buried Alive with us at a show in Coventry back during the reunion in 1995 and was amazing. She reminded me a lot of Dave Lombardo.”
When the royal couple first started dating Kate promised Cronos that they might play at the wedding if the two ever decided to tie the knot. “She had this whole idea about us playing Countess Bathory during the part of the service where she walked up to the altar. I thought it was crazy, but she kept bringing the idea up. I’d have been honored to play her wedding.”
Cronos was in touch with Kate as recently as seven months ago, but since the wedding announcement she has not returned any of his phone calls. “She used to call me her favorite uncle. She loved singing songs with me when she was a little girl. We used to sing the song “Black Metal” together. She loved doing the growling part at the end. Now she won’t even talk to me.”
There have been few mentions of Cronos’ relationship with Kate in the British press. He believes the royal family has conspired to keep the Kate Middleton/Venom connection out of the media. “There used to be video of her playing with us up on YouTube, but that was mysteriously taken down months ago. I feel like they are embarrassed by my career as one of the founding fathers of Satan influenced thrash metal. I’m not trying to get famous out of this or make money. I just want my Little Katy back.”
This interview was an exclusive over at http://www.tyrannyoftradition.wordpress.com. Head over and check them out!
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