Dear David Coverdale,
I have been a fan of yours since I first laid ears on you back in 1987. As an impressionable, young metalhead, I fucking LOVED Whitesnake. There was just something about them that struck a chord with me and I was sold. I attended the tours for both the ’87 self-titled album and the following tour supporting the mega-lame (hey, even then I thought it was kind of lame) Slip of the Tongue album which was so cleverly called the “Liquor and Poker” tour. Wow, yeah I know right?
Anyways, the older I got, the more lame the later era Whitesnake seemed to get but this opened the door for me to go back and discover the massive greatness of classic Whitesnake. I’m not talking Slide it In. I’m talking Bernie Motherfuckin’ Marsden era Whitesnake. Over the years, the greatness of that era of Whitesnake proved to be absolutely timeless and chockfull of amazing material. On top of that, I dipped my toes into Coverdale era Deep Purple and with Burn, Stormbringer, and Come Taste the Band and found three of most facemelting albums I have heard in my life. So why am I writing all of this? Because as a diehard fan, I’m here to say that I feel your time is up. It’s time for you to cash in your 401-K, take up golf or water aerobics, and call it a fucking day! Bask in the glow of your 40 something year long legacy, enjoy your big fucking house in Lake Tahoe, have fun on Twitter, and just stop making yourself look absolutely ridiculous.
Your recent incarnation of Whitesnake recently released The Purple Album, a collection of subpar, reworked versions of Deep Purple classics pulled from the three albums that were made while you fronted the band. Now before you go slamming me about not knowing what the fuck I’m talking about, just take a step back and count to “10” hombre. It isn’t so much that this album really sucks as much as it is just full of subpar versions of already perfect songs. I mean, those songs are fucking perfect. Those albums are perfect. I could totally understand if you thought that those songs were lacking something and could be improved over time but seriously, these re-worked versions are lacking two key ingredients that were present in the original tracks: Glenn Hughes and your awesome, powerful singing voice.
It turns out that I’m not the only person who feels this way as Whitesnake fans (yes, FANS) took to the internet to express their opinions on the album. While some people seemed to just be fine with it and take it for what it is, others offered much more harsh criticisms on the album. When you were asked by U.K.’s Classic Rock magazine if he has seen the “extreme reaction” the new version of “Stormbringer” received after it was posted on YouTube, you responded:
“Yeah, of course. But have you seen the orders we have for this record? I’ve never made music for the haters. If somebodydevelops a cure for cancer, there will still be haters. I’ve no space in my life for haters or negaters. They’re not gonna buy my record. They won’t buy a ticket. Why the fuck should I give a fuck? They’re probably sitting at home, running their WiFi off their mother’s account. I owe those people nothing. Such opinions mean nothing to me. I’m talking to you from a fucking very, very beautiful residential studio. I have a home overlooking Lake Tahoe. I’m sixty-three years old, booking a world tour, the tickets are flying out the door… The odds are not in these people’s favor. They are wasting their hate.”
Ok, let’s take a moment to break this down for a second. “I’ve never made music for the haters.” Ok, that’s cool to know because last time I checked, NOBODY makes music for haters. Here’s the deal Davey boy. As a huge fan of yours, someone who’s bought all your fucking albums all the way up to Nevermore (which really wasn’t bad. it wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad), you’re basically saying that you’re my boyo as long as I am fluffing your ego and taking everything that you put out but the minute I have a critical opinion on your work, I’m pretty much just knocked down to the level of “hater/negator”? And another thing, who gives a fuck where you live or how big your fucking house is. Hell, I’m one of the ones that put you in that big fucking house at Lake Tahoe. The fact that you used that to compensate for the fact that you put out a subpar album just astounds me. Let’s continue. You also had this to say:
“I won’t release something unless I believe in it. I’ve come to a time in my life, after a very successful career, where I will do exactly what I like. Online the other day some clown wrote: ‘Coverdale’s well must have run dry.’ Well, what you have done in your life? Over forty years I’ve sold more than a hundred million records and written countless fucking rock ‘n’ roll anthems. How fucking dare you criticize me, dude? Fuck off to your bedroom.”
You won’t release something unless you believe in it? Well, if you really believe that this album was necessary, than I guess you stand by this statement but my honest opinion is that you must be seriously delusional if you really believed that putting out The Purple Album was actually a good idea. As far as your well running dry, I don’t think it’s just so much that you’re well is running dry but let’s face it, you’re voice is running out. I saw the footage, heard the lives shows from the Nevermore tour and there was no way you could even hold a candle to the massively powerful vocalist you once were. Relying on studio trickery in order to make it sound like you even have an inch of the voice you once had is nothing but pulling the wool over the faces of the your fans. To sound one way on a recording only to sound nowhere near that live is just being unfair.
Davey boy, you really have had a long, fantastic career. Unfortunately, much like with Ozzy, David Lee Roth, and even Paul Stanley, you have stretched your career far beyond what it was meant to be stretched. I can understand your need to carry on because trust me, if Slip of the Tongue would’ve been the last thing I ever recorded, I would be one sad individual. In my opinion, you should’ve done one more album after that one and then called it a day. Why go on when it’s totally obvious that you just can’t deliver the quality of performance you once did? I know it’s a massive blow to your ego but from this long time fan’s point of view, I choose to remember you for the strong, powerful years as opposed to the years where you were straining to keep it together while I just shook my head. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Mr. Coverdale, thank you for the all the years of fantastic music but most of all, thank you for putting out an album that not only reminds me that you’re done but that reminds me of just how fucking incredible that legacy of Deep Purple albums are. This album sent me running back to those classic albums only to have myself holding them in a much higher regard than I ever did before. Best of luck to you and again, thanks for the memories and a timeless legacy.
All the best,
The Great Southern Brainfart