Back in the day, it seemed like that bands all had a select variety of merchendise. Shirts, tour books, buttons, and posters seemed to be the norm. Every now an then you might get the occasional sleaveless sweatshirt (hey, it was the 80’s) or some kind of crazy painter’s cap or a headband/bandanna. These days, bands are coming out with the craziest shit as part of their merchandising. Some of them are purely brilliant and some of them are just downright “What the fuck”? Here are a few examples of those WTF merch moments both awesome and fucking whack.
Cannibal Corpse Thong
Lemme tell ya. Nothing screams “sexy” like a getting down and dirty with a woman who wears a thong that says, “I Cum Blood.” Sorry, but if I was with a girl and she was wearing these I think I’d run for my fucking life. Moreso because she’s a Cannibal Corpse fan. Sheesh.
Crobot – Leather Scented Car Air Freshener
Nothing smells better than leather right? Who am I kidding? This thing was something that Crobot was selling on one of their past tours. I had it in my car in the middle of summer and it was so bad that my wife refused to ride in my car until the smell of this thing was gone completely. I thought it was fucking hysterical and it was a great marketing piece for this clever band but goddamn my car smelled like a Watain concert for about 5 days.
Iron Maiden – The ‘ Ed Case
Iron Maiden are up there with KISS when it comes to re-re-re-releasing shit but you know what? I’m cool with that because it’s Iron Fucking Maiden. I wish I would’ve picked up this gem but man, look at that way fucked up looking Eddie? The ‘Ed Case, lol. I thought it was fucking brilliant but goddamn was that an ugly fucking thing. Still, even as jacked up as it is, the Brainfart would love one for the Fartcave.
Testament – Chuck Billy’s Huge Ass Guitar Pick
The air guitar master, Chuck Billy, couldn’t stand to be outdone by his band mates their puny ass guitar picks so Chuck had his own made. This motherfucker is the size of a fucking 7″ record. This was available at their merch booth the last few times I saw them and I thought it was one of the most brilliant pieces of merch I’d seen in a long time. It even came autographed and I think they sold for about 8 bucks or so. If you got one of these, you know how awesome they are.
Ghost – Dildo/Buttplug
For the fan who has everything. You have a shirt, a hoodie, a mask, hell, why not a dildo? Hell, throw in a buttplug with the Ghost logo under it and you have the ultimate pieces of merch. Wow. I always thought Ghost was a corny fucking band but what fucking kills me is that I’m sure that many of their faithful “clergy” added this to their collection but the real question is: did they use them or do they just keep them in the box for display on their mantles? Things that make you go “hmm” indeed.
Rammstein – Dildo Box Set
Move over Ghost with your wimpy dildo/buttplug combo. Here comes Rammstein with their, wait for it, DILDO BOX SET (handcuffs and lube included). I mean, if you’re gonna go for it, why not go all the fucking way right? Variety is the spice of life right? Well this box definitely offers you variety. Rammstein sucks by the way.
KISS – Paul Stanley USB Drive
From the reigning kings of over the top merchandise comes the Paul Stanley 8GB USB flash drive. Now you can just take Paul Stanley in your hand, pull his head off, and… STICK HIM IN YAW CUMPUHTUH, PEOPLE!!! I mean, this is nowhere near the most over the top or ridiculous piece of KISS merchandise but I thought it was fucking hilarious because, well, it looks nothing like Paul Stanley. Also, sometimes, it’s just hilarious to look over on my desk and see Paul Stanley’s decapitated head just staring at me from my desktop.
Holy Grail – Duncan Yo-Yo
Holy Grail guitarist Alex Lee is not only a monstrous fucking guitarist but he’s a fucking master of the yo-yo! That’s right, the yo-yo. I’ve seen this kid in action and it blows my mind what he could do with this thing. It was really fucking cool to see Holy Grail sporting their very own custom Duncan Holy Grail yo-yos and selling them at their merch booth on the Ride the Void tour. These things are pretty much a collectors item now but if you’re lucky (like me) you grabbed one while they were hot!
Slayer – Ugly Christmas Sweater
Nothing says, “we’re the evilest motherfuckers on the planet” than an ugly Christmas sweater. What I think is so fucking hilarious about this shirt is not just the ugly fucking skulls but what’s up with the incorrectly placed pentagrams. Maybe they were trying to be cute and make it like a Christmas star but honestly, it looks lame as fuck and it’s just another excuse for me to laugh at Kerry King’s lame ass.
Overkill – Fuck You Foam Hand
Overkill knocked it out of the park with their foam “Fuck You” hands that were selling at all their shows. I’m not even that huge of an Overkill fan and I’d love to have one of these. It’s a fucking cool piece and it must look awesome from the stage to see a big ass sea of foam green middle fingers with your band name on them.
Tenacious D – The Tenacious D Cum Rag
I’m not sure if this is actually real or not but if it’s real, this is some fucking brilliance right here. They should do a cross promotion campaign with Rammstein’s dildo box set or Ghost’s butt plug/dildo set. This is so typical of Tenacious D and much like with Overkill, even thought I’m not a huge fan I would absolutely love to have one of these in my collection. If anything, I’d just love to see my father-in-law’s reaction when he’d see one neatly folded on his nightstand in our guest room here at Casa de Brainfart.